Well, it was about time. After 15 months of writing, I have finally turned my attention to… the v-word. Yes… v… vas…. *whispers* v-a-s-e-c-t-o-m-y.
Can you really be considered a ‘dad blogger’ if you’ve not written about it? So what has taken so long? We have three young kids and we have definitely no plans to have more. I seem to be constantly saying that recently.
Them: ‘How many kids do you have?’
Them: ‘Three? Having any more?’
Me: ‘Fuck. No.’
I don’t even filter it anymore. I used to. I used to say ‘No, three is more than enough’ or something similar but now it is different. Our youngest is 18 months and out of our three kids he has been making the largest withdrawals from my sleep bank. Sure he’s cute, yes he’s fine when he’s not hungry or tired, but I feel like I simply cannot face the prospect of being FourTimeDaddy. So yeah, fuck that.
What are the other options?
Which takes me back to the v-word and the realisation that it really is the most sensible option if I don’t want any more kids. Seriously. I’ve written it on the internet so it must be true. Let’s look at the evidence.
The Mrs could be sterilised
Mrs ThreeTimeDaddy’s three pregnancies and three c-sections were progressively worse, with the last operation being the longest and toughest. Again, this is a reason why child 4 is not a likely option. She was given the chance of being sterilised as part of her third c-section but she declined, saying it was MY TURN to have their body messed with.
Fair enough, I admit, but I did think it was easier for her to get it done while her body was gaping open – might as well get your money’s worth right?
Ok. Deep down, I do actually agree – three pregnancies and three operations is a big ask and it was my time to step up and literally put my balls on the line.
Wait until the menopause
Now, I love Mrs ThreeTimeDaddy but she’s not getting any younger. If I’m going to be pragmatic, the big M is going to hit her before we know it so realistically she could go back on the pill for 10/15 years tops and then nature will solve our problem. I suggested this to Mrs ThreeTimeDaddy. You can imagine her face.
Condoms or Pill
In all seriousness, I don’t like the idea of her filling her body with chemicals indefinitely and, as she said before, it is MY TURN to take responsibility. It’s just condoms are so awkward (although I did write a review about some good ones – shameless plug here) and other methods sound a bit bizarre – my current favourites are the sponge and crocodile poo.
I also personally feel that having three young kids is more than enough contraception, but apparently that doesn’t count.
So What Next?
Well, I finally did it: I rang the doctor.
I was all ready to inform the receptionist loud and proud that I would like an appointment to discuss a VASECTOMY! But she never asked what the appointment was for and I got one for a few weeks time.
In the meantime I can mentally prepare for the next step. After speaking to other dads and doing some reading, it really doesn’t sound like a big deal and it is surprising just how many guys have had it done. So far, all the ones I have met can still walk and can function properly. It’s just that I like my balls the way they are and surely not wanting someone to hack at them is just my natural survival instinct kicking in.
In order to be informed, Ialso read up on some key facts:
Fact 1: A vasectomy is more than 99% effective. Surely cutting my vas deferens should be 100%? Is sperm THAT good at swimming?
Fact 2: It’s supposedly permanent. I will no doubt face the ‘are you sure’ questions from the Doctor. Hopefully my age and the fact that I already have three will make it plainly obvious that I’m sure. I might even say ‘Fuck that’ to prove the point.
Fact 3: It shouldn’t affect any… you know… ‘Business time’.
Fact 4: It isn’t immediate. Sperm will still be present in the tubes despite being butchered. Tests will be done after the operation so contraception will still need to be used. Good to know before I burn all the condoms in a post-Vascetomy ritual.
Fact 5: There will be bruising and swelling. I’ve had man-flu – I can handle a bit of bruising.
Now I wait…
Our youngest is 18 months old and I’ve finally taken a proactive step to make sure FourTimeDaddy never becomes a reality. This is good. But this, of course, is the first step.
I shall return with an update…