Before I start my ONE condoms review, let me set the scene:
Me: Hey Wifey, I’m going to start a blog about being a dad.
Wife: Yes, dear.
Me: And I’m going to write about family and parenting stuff, and maybe do some reviews.
Wife: Yes, dear.
Me: And the first review will be about using condoms.
(You can imagine her face)
Let me explain. After having our third child in March, the subject of contraception has inevitably been raised. It would seem that having three children, a full time job and being shattered 98% of the time isn’t enough contraception.
It has now got to the point where the V-word has been mooted. And I don’t mean virginity. Or vaccinations. Or even vegetarians. You know, the surgical procedure that involves cutting into the… no… I… can’t… go… there. Let’s just go by the cutesy and harmless term ‘the snip’ for now.
So far I have failed miserably in coming up with a compelling argument against having ‘the snip’. My wife has gone through years of filling her body with chemicals and has had three caesarians in seven years. It would seem that is definitely MY TURN for anything body altering.
So, when given the opportunity to review ONE condoms, the first review on my blog so soon after discussing contraception, I thought ‘Hello future! This is fate! My prayers have been answered – they are destined to save me from the snip!’
To be honest, I’ve never really given much thought to condom brands or types before. Partly because I’ve not really needed to (thanks magic wife pill) and partly because, well, they’re all the same surely? You know, they’re all horrible rubbery things that smell like dentist gloves. Besides, I would usually just buy whatever is on sale in a shop with a self-service counter.
However, after opening a box of these ONE condoms I must admit I was very impressed. Each one has a unique, bright and colourful design and they’re packaged in a circle rather than the usual boring ‘hey look I have a condom’ square. Let’s be honest, no one actually likes these things and it’s clear ONE condoms want to be as fun as possible.
In the ‘Mixed Pleasures’ pack there are six unique types of condom, two of each type. That’s twelve condoms. Yes TWELVE condoms. That is approximately a decades worth, right?
Firstly there’s the Vanish Hyperthin which, predictably, is very, very thin. In fact 35% thinner than the normal type, which I can’t comprehend as I thought these things were already pretty thin. There’s also the Pleasure Dome, which has a larger tip if a bit more room up top is required. Next up is Flavor Waves which in this pack came in two flavours – banana split and bubblegum. I’ve never understood flavored condoms. After a bit of research there is apparently some debate on when they should and shouldn’t be used (I‘ll let you google it – probably not work safe).
In the next packet was Super Studs, lined with loads of small bumps. I personally thought it seemed a little too bumpy. Tantric Pleasures on the other hand were like nothing I had seen before. Although the packet looked like a bag of basmati rice, it had a tattoo like pattern all along and had a flared top. They had big, muscular names like Titan and Maori and just looked awesome as far as condoms go. It’s a shame they can’t do anything similar for my dad bod.
Lastly, Glowing Pleasures. This one made me feel so old. Is this what the kids get up to now? As a parent the only glow in the dark things I’m used to are stickers, night friendly toys and glow sticks. I’ve never thought that my life is lacking a glowing penis before, but now I’m not so sure. Hold it up to a light for 30 seconds and it glows for 30 minutes (talk about ambitious). Imagine the light-sabre puns. However, a little bit sobering are the words of my wife: ‘who on Earth needs a glowing penis? We’ve been together for 16 years – I know where it is.’ Answers on a postcard please.
So, have ONE condoms saved me from the surgical procedure that shan’t be named? Not quite. They are infinitely more colorful and fun than the average condom and as there is no compromise on quality, they don’t come across as cheap and gimmicky.
Although I love the fun branding, as a frequently exhausted parents of three, just finding the time where we are both awake with no kids jumping on us is more than enough fun as it is.
On ‘the snip’ likelihood scale, the pointer is hovering dangerouslyclose to the ‘imminent’ zone. For now.
*this is not a sponsored post. Although I have been provided with this item for review, I have not received any payment to do so and all opinions are my own*